Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize