So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
