Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
