The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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