Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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