i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
