my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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