I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
