Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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