I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
