Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
