Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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