I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I have peed in a lot of sinks
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
