i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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