Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
