What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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