She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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