I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
