I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
