I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
