Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
