Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
