my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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