I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
do herpes really smell.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
