i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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