When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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