every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
