Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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