he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
