I'm sorry my penis didn't work
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
