I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
