We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
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