Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
