i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
i think i just lost a toe
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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