Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
