dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
