The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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