she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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