..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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