Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
