do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
you will always have a special place in my vag
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
