i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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