clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
