My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
