come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
