I faked an abortion last night.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
