I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize