I'm pants shitting drunk right now
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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