Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
