Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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