im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
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I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
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My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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