I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
