She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
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