Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
