R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
