His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
