Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I think your dad took our porno
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
