I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
