Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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